To my favorite* son,

February 15, 2010 (4 weeks ago) at 9:37 pm

Three hundred and sixty-four.

That’s how many days I have known your touch,

The number of days I’ve known that your hair feels like a brand new tennis ball.

Your smooth, porcelain skin – once transparent, thin, and fragile,

Still mesmerizes me…from the tip of your fuzzy head, right down to your chubby toes.

I have a connection with you that I only have with one other person in the whole wide world,

And that person is my daddy.

Seeing myself in your twinkly blue eyes, your dimples, and your mischievous ways,

Makes me so incredibly thankful that you are my son.

To my dearest Wes,

I love you more than words could ever express.

Love,

Mommy

* Just so you all don’t think I’m horrible, and already playing favorites with my children – I must confess.  I will often be holding one of the boys when I’m around other people, and just to see what others’ responses will be, I will sometimes whisper, “you’re my favorite, don’t tell your brother” in their ear, just loud enough for the person/people around me to hear.  It’s hilarious, and I always feel like it’s an amazing bonding time with me and my two boys…I will always make sure that they each feel that they are my favorite (with an asterisk, of course).

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Twins, twins EVERYWHERE!!!!

February 14, 2010 (4 weeks ago) at 11:03 pm

We’ve had a twin-filled weekend, getting together with three separate couples who also have twins (around the same age as Max and Wes).  We’ve had soooo much fun, but we are soooo tired!  Thought I could update the blog with some photos while I finish my wine…

To Lanie & Shane, thank you soooo much for hosting an amazing brunch yesterday – and thanks to Catherine & Brian for their flexibility on the reschedule, it was so good (finally) meeting Brian, Will, & Carter!  And thanks to Jenny & Brian, for the super-fun play date today, and to Tara & Jesse for letting us crash their Valentine’s evening to visit with M&W! 

I hope you all (family, friends, readers) had a WONDERFUL weekend – I know we sure did!

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To my dearest first born son,

February 13, 2010 (4 weeks ago) at 1:01 am

Then, I would worry where each breath was coming from,

Now I feel your warm breath on my face, steady and slow.

Then, I would place my hand on your head, and forget there was an IV in it,

Now I gently stroke your hair as your eyes grow heavy and your eyelids continue to drop.

Then, you would grab my finger with your tiny little hand, unsure of who I was,

Now you grab my finger in a loving, trusting way, knowing I’m here to protect you.

Then, you were a patient…a virtual stranger, that I got to visit several times a day,

Now you are my son, my love, my everything – the reason I wake up every morning.

To my dearest Max,

I loved you then, I love you now, and I’ll love you forever.

Love,

Mommy

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One day at a time

February 11, 2010 (5 weeks ago) at 9:51 pm

My first EMDR session went really well.  We really focused on visualization – mostly thinking about positive things, happy places, blah, blah, blah.  My therapist was basically putting me in a place where I felt “safe” and loved – mostly because we will come back to that place if/when I start freaking out when she asks me to go to the not-so-safe places I’ve gone (in my head) lately.  I’ll spare you the details of the entire hour, but will tell you that I really do think this is going to work.  Last night was the first night in a few days that I haven’t had a nightmare about losing Max & Wes (and/or Jeff), and let me tell you – that is an accomplishment in and of itself.  I haven’t talked about the nightmares here because they are actually quite disturbing, and I really don’t want to worry y’all more than I already have (some of you anyway).  Just know that I’m doing this (going to weekly therapy) because I want to get better.   I need to get better.  I promised myself (and my husband) that if we were lucky enough to have kids someday that I would be the best mommy in the world, and I cannot be that if I’m constantly worrying and on edge that something is going to eventually take me away from my children. 

Speaking of those two little monkeys, they are just cute as ever (in my completely biased opinion).  Max is getting two more teeth (his two front top teeth), only one is coming in a lot faster than the other.  He has been crazy grumpy lately, and it’s just so sad.  He’s always so happy-go-lucky, but not when he’s getting teeth!  Jeff and I both have to try really hard to get him to smile, and that’s just so unlike our little guy.  He has learned something new though – he waves “bye bye” when you wave bye-bye to him – only instead of a real “wave”, he does the up-and-down arm clamp (think the Florida Gators gesture).  It’s hilarious.  Max has also been babbling a lot more, saying “dadadada” (and actually knowing who “dadadada” is), and other random one or two syllable words/sounds.  His favorite thing in the world is still watching his puppy play with his rope, Hippo, or ball.  There is NOTHING that can make that kid laugh and smile more than Rex.  They are going to be best friends.  =)

Wes is also getting a new tooth (on top), but it’s one of his eye teeth (I think that’s what they’re called – the vampire teeth, LOL).  That’s going to look…interesting – especially with his little widow’s peak.  We can start calling him Eddie Munster!  Jeff and I didn’t even know he was teething (other than the drool), and I think getting teeth just doesn’t bother him because he’s used to the pain of acid reflux.  How sad is that?  Poor little dude – he’s so tough.  Wes is babbling more and more, and sometimes carries on complete “conversations” with himself.  Gee, I wonder who he takes after.  =) 

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Please.stop.growing.up

February 9, 2010 at 10:21 pm

Max and Wes will be one year old a week from today.  I’m dealing, but having an incredibly hard time doing so.  My first EMDR therapy session is tomorrow, so I’ll try to update in the evening, but if I don’t get around to it, I apologize.  Here are some photos of our baby boys that I took earlier tonight…

G’night!

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Stick a fork in me

February 3, 2010 at 9:44 pm

Jeff and I were getting the boys’ bottles ready tonight, and Wes was getting a little antsy.  Any time he sees a bottle, he just goes berserk – which should make for a good time when we cut them off from bottles (very soon).  But anyway, I was holding him in the kitchen, and he just started whining a little bit.  I playfully started whining back, and Wes just looked up at me, with those clear blue eyes, and started babbling a bunch of nonsense.  Those babbles then turned into, “ma ma ma ma ma”, and all of a sudden my heart was mush.

Just wait.

Jeff quickly turned around, and we just stared at each other in awe.  Just then, Wes looked towards Jeff and said, “da da da da da daaa”.

I’m done.

********

The appointment went well yesterday.  No big surprise that the psychotherapist thinks that I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), which in my not-so-humble opinion, is “the new black”, if you will.  But, I do believe that it’s a real disorder, and I do believe that I can overcome it.  The therapist talked about trying a newer psychotherapy technique called EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), and I’m intrigued.  I have my first EMDR session next Wednesday, so keep your fingers crossed.

********

And because I promised…

Dr. Brown's BPA Free Polypropylene 8 oz Bottle - 3 Pack

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