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Poop really isn’t *that* gross

Published by Kerry | Filed under Uncategorized

You know, back in the day I used to cringe when I watched my many mommy friends change poopy diapers.  They would almost always be so nonchalant about the whole thing…while I normally stood several feet away, trying not to breathe through my nose, gagging at the sight of the peanut-buttery-yet-not-really-peanut-buttery looking, well, SHIT that was stuck to the diaper, the baby’s bum, the wipe…

:::dry heave:::

My, how times have changed.  In the last month, or so, I have been exposed to more poo than I ever would have dreamed.  And by “exposed”, I mean EXPOSED. 

The first “incident” was on Father’s Day evening.  I was giving Max and Wes a bath while Jeff and his parents were finishing up their dinner.  Art, my father-in-law, was in the bathroom with me when we saw a few bubbles sneak out of Wes’s bum.  He giggled, we giggled, and then Wes got really red-faced.  I immediately knew what was going to happen, and then everything just kind of switched to slow motion.

Before we knew it, Wes had unloaded a huge log of poo in the tub – right after I got done scrubbing them down, of course.  Art and I’s first reaction was to get Max out of the tub as soon as possible, but we both just sat (stood) there, laughing.  Real mature, huh?  Meanwhile, Wes is laughing too, and Max is crying (probably thinking, “get me the hell out of here you crazy people!!!”).  By the time Art scoops him out of the tub, Wes has “relaxed” a bit more, and unleashed a little more fury.  And by “fury”, I mean poop.  And by “a little”, I mean kind of a lot.  And it wasn’t a solid mass, if you know what I mean. 

Poor Max.  Nobody deserves to have a nice, relaxing bath – just to be crapped on immediately after by his brother.  But that was that.  I was too freaked out about the amount of poo in the tub to worry about re-bathing Max.  And when I hollered into the hallway for Jeff to come help, his response was a muffled, “sorry, it’s Father’s Day!“.  WTF?!?!?  I guess he was right.  That was by far, one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever done – clean out the tub,  wondering how on earth there was that much corn in that amount of poop…disinfect all of the tub toys in a water/bleach solution, and scrub and scrub my hands – until they were virtually raw – to get that poo smell/feeling off of them.

*****

The second “incident” was a couple of weeks ago.  I’m at work when I get a call from our nanny, Jessie.  That’s never good.  When something is cute or funny or non-serious, Jessie sends me a text.  When something is a little more “serious”, I get a call.  This time the call was to ask me if I minded that she run the washing machine.

Ummmmm…

Me – “Sure…is everything okay???”

Jessie (in her supersweet, calm voice) – “Oh yeah…it is now.  Max had a little accident, and there’s poop everywhere, but I’ll take care of it.”

Ummmmm…what? 

I come home to an almost-naked Max, and a just-awoken Wes.  And poor Jessie looks like she’s been run ragged.  Right before she leaves, I run downstairs to assess the damage.  Ah.Mah.Gah.  It was NASTY.  There was shit EVERYWHERE.  I mean evereewhere.  I run back upstairs, shoo-ing Jess out of the house, telling her she doesn’t get paid enough for this, begging her to come back the next day, etc.  Then I turned on some Gabba for the boys to watch while I grabbed the anti-bacterial wipes, the bleach/water mix, and about a dozen old rags, and ran back downstairs.

There was poo where there was expected to be poo.  It was all over Max’s crib – on the bedding, the blankets, the pillow, his lovey, his PACI (ewww), the crib slats, etc.  The unexpected places there was poo included Wes’s crib – the slats, the sheets, his blankets, his pillow, his lovey, his PACI (ewww).  Then it was on the wall, on the carpet below the cribs, on the blinds, on the MATTRESS PAD – how in the Sam hell does it get on the mattress pad when there are sheets covering the entire pad?!?!  And how on EARTH does poo get to all of those places in such a small amount of time?!? 

If you’re picturing gorillas at the zoo, flinging poo at each other, don’t worry – so am I.

*****

The whole point of this post is to make you laugh.  And to make me laugh.  The truth is, I’m crazy nervous about tomorrow.  Our little Max is having surgery at 8:45 tomorrow morning to correct, or fix, his circumcision.  Without going into too much detail, particularly since you just endured all of the shit-talking (pun-intended) above, his little penis was just so…little…when he was circumcised before he was discharged from the NICU.  There was no way to know that the skin would re-attach and form weird blobs of scar tissue around the head of his penis, but it happened, so we’re having it corrected.  We were referred to a pediatric urologist by our pediatrician, and thought we were “fixing” it for aesthetic purposes only – we didn’t want our little guy being teased for having a funny-looking penis, when his brother’s penis looked normal.  Thankfully, the urologist not only wanted to perform surgery so that Max could join the “Perfect Penis Club” (his words, not mine), but he also said that removing some of the scar tissue, and moving around some of the skin was a medical necessity. 

Whew.  I have to admit that made me feel tons better.

So that’s that.  My boy is going in for surgery tomorrow – and being put under, which is the main reason for me being so nervous, so I needed the laugh just as much as you all probably did.  Wish us luck, and I promise to update as soon as I can.

July 22nd, 2010


4 Responses to “Poop really isn’t *that* gross”

  1. Stacey Says:

    Love the post. That’s hilarious (although it probably wasn’t so funny at the time) :). Good luck tomorrow. I will be thinking about you guys!

  2. Lanie Says:

    LMFAO at the poo stories. Thank you. I needed that tonight.

    I’ll be sending good penie thoughts tomorrow.

    Love you guys!

  3. Lisa Says:

    Kerry-
    That is too funny!! I have definitely been there before!! I hope surgery goes well tomorrow!!

  4. Kelley Says:

    My son who is a week younger than Max and Wes had some extra skin at birth on his penis, and made it look slighty turned to the left. The pediatrician recommended we see a pediatric urologist before circumcising and the urologist said it is called a torsion and it is extra skin, not internal but there is a small chance it could cause painful erections later.

    Because of this he had surgery at 7 months to correct it and circumcise him. You can never tell anything was corrected and all is well, but I know how scary it can be. It’s good you are doing it now before he can remember the surgery or healing.

    Kelley

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