Heartache.

Published by Kerry | Filed under Uncategorized

Heartache.

It seems like such an insignificant word for what I feel right now.  Can you imagine being the parent or the sister or the grandparent of a 20 month old boy who lost his life far too early?  I can’t even fathom what they must be feeling at this very moment…the moment they lay their sweet baby boy to rest.  Forever. 

http://blakeybabies.blogspot.com/

Justice Wayne was born 12 1/2 weeks early back in September of 2008, weighing a little over 2 pounds.  After spending nearly 100 days in the NICU, he was released the day before Christmas.  After contracting what they thought was H1N1 last December, he spent last Christmas at The Children’s Hospital here in Denver, and was released again this January.  Because of his early birth, his lungs were never healthy – he lived the 20 months of his short life on oxygen.  He never knew what it was like to take a big, deep breath of fresh mountain air without the aide of his nasal canula. 

On May 10th, he was admitted to the hospital again for what seemed to be a cold, and last Thursday afternoon – just a day after my friend went to visit he and his mom – he passed away in his mother’s arms.

Guilt.

It seems like such an insignificant word for what I feel right now.  Feeling like this because we were some of the lucky ones.  The ones who also had premature babies who are seemingly healthy and happy and thriving and perfect in every single way.  During the 43 and 51 days Max and Wes were in the NICU, I witnessed a lot of heartache.  I felt a lot of guilt.  Over soooo many things.  I saw mothers and fathers and siblings and grandparents mourn the loss of their babies, brothers and sisters, grandbabies.  There were times I felt overwhelming, tremendous guilt over the fact that our boys were still alive.  I think this is normal, particularly for the parent(s) of a preemie or preemies…and the shitty thing is that the feeling never really leaves you.  It resurfaces at the most random times, or in the most prevalent times (like today).

I’ll take a quick moment to reiterate how very important it is to take the concerns and feelings of the parent of a premature baby extremely seriously.  Sometimes you cannot shelter or protect your baby enough to prevent something like this from happening, but knowing you did everything humanly possible to protect the health of your baby is important to every parent – and particularly to every preemie parent. 

May the Blakey family find comfort knowing that their sweet JW is at peace now.  Forever missing his twin sisters, parents, and extended family, but running and playing without the machines, the oxygen, the discomfort…and taking big, deep breaths of air through his healthy lungs.

If anyone would like to make a donation in memory of JW, please send it to:

St. Francis Medical Center, 6001 East Woodmen Road, Colorado Springs, CO, 80923

http://www.penrosestfrancis.org/index.php/1012/St.-Francis-Medical-Center