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Spouting off (VERY long)
Published by Kerry | Filed under Uncategorized
WARNING - deep thoughts/rants/ramblings ahead
For about the past month and a half, I have been doing something I’m totally not used to doing. I’ve been internalizing some pretty intense feelings regarding Max and Wes. Not so much how I feel about them as our children, as individuals, as our little miracles…as our dreams come true – I don’t have a hard time expressing or sharing those kinds of feelings with anyone. It’s more about the negative or depressing feelings I have with regards to the way we got pregnant with them, how miserable my pregnancy was, the plethora of emotion I have with regards to their early arrival and time spent in the NICU, and how I feel about their upcoming first birthday. I feel like a teapot that’s been sitting on the stove top for hours…just waiting to release. I’m sure it’s because of the time of year…remembering where we were at this time last year, etc – only because several of my fellow preemie mom friends have told me that they’ve felt similarly.
Just typing this out is really, really hard for me, so bear with me.
(My heart is beating faster, I’m having to focus on my breathing, and my hands are shaking)
First of all, let me reiterate the fact (for all of the men and women out there who are still struggling with infertility, because I do remember how it feels – I really do) that Jeff and I are so incredibly thankful and lucky that we were blessed with two amazing, beautiful baby boys. Max and Wes have changed our lives in a way I never thought possible, and I will be forever grateful for that.
That said, this is hard. And by “this”, I mean everything…and I mean nothing. Getting pregnant was a bitch. Staying pregnant was even harder. The time we spent away from our precious babies when they were in the hospital was the ultimate test of a marriage…we were basically on auto-pilot for that entire 53 days. And now, being the parents of these amazing little ones – well – “this” just isn’t easy. Now, I don’t know if it’s because we struggled to conceive, because my pregnancy was plagued with issues, or because the boys were born early, but looking back almost a year after our precious little miracles came into this world, I just don’t feel like I think I should. I feel like I’m being ungrateful for what I have – an amazing, loving, supportive, handsome, and understanding husband, and two terrific little boys. And Rex. We can’t forget about Rex. I feel like I’m being ungrateful because I’m focusing too much on what “could have been”.
For the past few weeks I’ve constantly been having nightmares or (daymares) about what couldhave happened. I am not stupid – I know I shouldn’t think this way – but I do sometimes, and I can’t help it. I have “flashbacks”, if you will, about being wheeled into the OR (the first operating room I had ever been inside), by myself, scared out of my mind that I was about to die. Or that our little boys weren’t going to make it. I knew that the chances of two 24 weekers (that were estimated at weighing less than a pound each at the time) surviving was slim – and one wrong stitch during my cerclage could have resulted in one or both of my babies being born 3 months early, and possibly not making it. Then I think about how different our lives would be, and then I get sad.
I’ve also had a lot of flashbacks of the day Max and Wes were born. I was so naive, and soooo cocky. I really did not think I was going to have our babies 10 weeks early – after all, I was following the perinatologist’s orders word for word. No matter how joyful or special the birth of a child (or children) should be, the birth of a premature child (or children) just isn’t – it’s so.damn.scary. So many people silently gasp when I tell them that my birth experience was traumatic, as if I’m not allowed to feel that way because we were ultimately given what we wanted so badly – two live babies. The truth of the matter is that it wasn’t what I had always imagined it to be, and every single day I mourn the fact that I didn’t have a ”normal” birth experience, that I spent almost my entire maternity leave sitting (alone) in the NICU, and that I didn’t have that time to bond with Max and Wes immediately after (or even weeks after) their birth.
Recently, I’ve had to distance myself from several people (or groups of people), both in my everyday life and online because I just got so damn sick of women complaining about their birth experiences being less-than-ideal. I mean c’mon – is it really that big of a deal to not have time to put on makeup and fix your hair before your child is born? Is it going to scar you for life that you didn’t get the vaginal delivery you wished for with your full-term baby? When you compare the previous scenarios to our situation, it almost seems comical that women can really be that upset about a c-section when they were hoping for a med-free delivery. But then I guess when you compare our situation with other outcomes where a live birth wasn’t the end result, or where the child was born with a serious health problem, and so on and so forth - it seems silly that I’m writing about this at all.
Then there’s the whole breastfeeding thing. GRRRRR. Why anyone assumes that it’s “easy” and/or “natural” to breastfeed can stick it where the sun doesn’t shine as far as I’m concerned. (Still) Feeling like I didn’t try hard enough, or feeling like a failure because I couldn’t give our boys “what’s best for them” just plain sucks. And reading blogs or hearing my RL friends complain that their supply is low (when they are pumping MASS amounts…comparatively speaking of course…every day), or that they “can’t find the time” to pump or nurse just makes me even more irate. It was something that I struggled with, and something I still struggle with. Like maybe if I could have produced more milk, our boys wouldn’t have spent so much time in the NICU, or maybe we wouldn’t have been (or wouldn’t be) as worried about money (because we wouldn’t be buying as much formula). I don’t know. All I can say is that for all of you mothers out there who are able to breastfeed – you just do not realize how incredibly lucky you are.
Same goes for those of you who go full-term in your pregnancies. I honestly believe that a lot of women take it for granted that they are able to carry a child to term, and that just pisses me off. I’m sure I would have been massively uncomfortable had I made it to 35-36 weeks, and I’m certain I would have complained about that, but the fact is that I never got to experience (much of) the third trimester of my pregnancy. Knowing what I know now, I would have done just about anything for just one more week of being pregnant. I think a lot of preemie moms feel similarly, and understand my desire to shake a dose of reality into that extremely pregnant woman at Target, waddling back and forth as if the simple task of running an errand is just “too much”. Going full-term in a pregnancy is just something that is “supposed” to happen (kind of like getting pregnant without medical intervention is “supposed” to happen), and the fact that my body didn’t do what it was “supposed” to do still upsets me to this day.
I don’t expect most of you to understand all of this…I really only shared my feelings here because in a way it’s a little therapeutic to write them all out. I also think I’ve been struggling a little more in the last week because I learned last Sunday that someone who I am very close to is going through some very serious marital issues. Issues that have made me question nearly everything in my life, including my marriage – which totally isn’t fair to Jeff, as he has done nothing to warrant me feeling this way. I finally sucked it up last week and made an appointment with a psychotherapist last week, and I’m seeing her for the first time this afternoon. I’m really hoping that talking about all of these feelings with a professional will get me to just snap out of this funk I’m in and focus on the positive in life, as opposed to things that were/are beyond my control. Does that make sense?
Thanks for listening. I promise to get some photos of M&W up here in the next day, or two. =)
17 Responses to “Spouting off (VERY long)”
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February 2nd, 2010 at 8:15 am
I am thinking of you can can relate to all of these feelings you are having (literally)….We need to get together. Miss you!
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February 2nd, 2010 at 8:53 am
I know that we’ve talked about this at length, but my heart just breaks for you. There is so much to say and yet I know that none of it is right. I love you and I hate, hate, hate that this is your story because it’s not fair and I get that
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February 2nd, 2010 at 9:38 am
I understand your irritation from the IF level, and only a tiny bit of the trauma from talking to you and Ivory. I just can’t imagine how horrific it must have been to go through. I think at a really base level one of my drives for having a 2nd kid is to get something closer to a “normal” experience because even 3 days in the NICU was one of the most traumatic things I’ve ever survived. I can’t imagine you guys doing it for so much longer. It’s like you have to some how mesh your reality with what you always dreamed of, and when they don’t match up you grieve for the loss of that dream. Shit, I sobbed right before my ER not b/c I was nervous about the procedure, but because IT’S NOT HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE. Anyway, I don’t think anybody would judge you for having these feelings because even if we can’t really understand, it makes sense. You’ve been through so many traumas and distorted dreams–IF, cerclage, bedrest, preemies, NICU, RSV scares… None of it matches what you’d probably always dreamed about. So feeling bitter or angry (or whatever) about it sounds pretty healthy to me. HUGS to you buddy. Maybe this first year you can mourn on their birthdays and party on their coming home day or something.
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February 2nd, 2010 at 10:55 am
Kerry, my heart goes out to you. Our son tried to come at 33 weeks, but fortunately we were able to stop the contractions. I have some issues with my own delivery experience, it was scary and traumatic, but not in the same way yours was. Reading through this it sounds almost like you have some PTSD issues with your pregnancy and delivery. Have you spoken with someone about this? I have been in therapy in the past for my own (non-childbirth related) PTSD treatment, and it really helped me function as a normal person again. Hang in there. (hugs)
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February 2nd, 2010 at 10:56 am
Oh,I see that you are seeing someone today. I missed that on my first read-through. I hope it helps.
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February 2nd, 2010 at 1:08 pm
I am so sorry you have to deal with the emotions of a less than ideal pregnancy, preemies, a NICU stay and these scary dreams. My heart goes out to you.
That said, we needed IVF to get pregnant due to severe MF. Our first cycle failed and then we got pregnant on a frozen cycle and did a fresh cycle to have our daughter(I am currently pregnant) with some frozen blasts left over.
I can totally understand the part about struggling with IF. I did go 2 weeks overdue and during a NST his heartbeat was erratic so I wa sent to be induced and after 28 hrs of labor ended up with a csection.
Please don’t think I am in any way comparing my situation to your very scary situaion with the boys. I just wanted to point out for those of us that have not dealt with preemies or NICU certain things are a big deal to us. Would a rather have a csection than a scary birth and NICU stay? Of course. But having a csection was a big deal for ME. Not because of the scar, but because of the scar but because as you know it is major surgery requiring lots of healing time compared to a vaginal birth, more complications, and also future pregnancy risks such as placenta accretia, placenta prévia and uterine rupture.
I am so glad you DO post to show your feelings because we are all here for you and again, my heart goes out to you and I wish there was something we can do to help, even if it is just listen.
((hugs))
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February 2nd, 2010 at 3:30 pm
Kerry, I can’t sit hear and say that I understand what you have went through, and currently are going through, but I can say that I know what it’s like to have some disappointments. What I went through with Nora was NOTHING like what you went through but it certainly was difficult.
I agree with you about breastfeeding. It is NOT easy and certainly not natural for everyone. I struggled with supply and had to stop with both kids because they were just so fussy. I just couldn’t get my diet right to make my milk agree with them. All the articles out there are made to make us feel bad for not nursing, or having trouble with it. Don’t.
As for going to full term…I don’t take that for granted. I didn’t take anything about my pregnancy for granted. I’m very lucky to have gotten pregnant so easily. Having a fairly severe case of endometriosis meant that I could have very easily not have been able to have children at all. I am one of those lucky people, and I know what a blessing it is, but don’t hate me for it. Just like all your difficulties were out of your hands, anything that was “easy” for me was out of mine.
You certainly don’t need to apologize for getting all this off your chest. I can’t imagine ANYone will fault you for having the feelings you have. I know that YOU know how wonderful your boys are, and it’s perfectly fine to have some disappointments. I hope that the help you find is everything your hoping for.
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February 2nd, 2010 at 3:58 pm
Love you Buddy!!!
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February 2nd, 2010 at 4:36 pm
Kerry-
I felt compelled to respond because I tend to complain about a lot of the things that you call out. I feel very lucky for everything that I have and I hope that I don’t come off as ungrateful. Sending a big virtual hug your way.
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February 2nd, 2010 at 6:08 pm
Take care of yourself and thank you for sharing your story. I don’t know if you truly realize how your honesty and experiences have supported, comforted, validated and helped many many people. You always have a right to feel whatever YOU want to feel and it’s easy for others who have not had to deal with IF and/or IVF to not be able to relate or understand. Stand proud, take care and know that you are making a profound impact in the lives of many people. See you soon
**stepping off soapbox**
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February 2nd, 2010 at 6:28 pm
Thank you for sharing this, Kerry.
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February 2nd, 2010 at 7:19 pm
I can’t even begin to imagine all that you and Jeff went through. I hope that talking to someone helps. I know it probably doesn’t mean much, but I think you’re doing a great job!
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February 2nd, 2010 at 9:57 pm
okay i am going to officially shut up about getting pregnant so easily (and i hope you know i was always just joking about it) becuase i did take it for granted with Lukas and after until i had my miscarriage. however then i did get pregnant right away with my girls but i have watched one of my best friends go through it for 5 year and ended up with no babies and a hysterectomy at 30!!!!
i am and have had a hard time dealing with my girls early arrival…a very hard time, i havent’ really told anyone but i got on medication to deal with it.
i think all the time (literally) like you what if they hadn’t made it, what if they get some infection in their lungs and die now it puts so much stress on me i can’t sleep anymore!
even tonight walking down the hall at swedish to our meeting i just thought to myself wow i will never be here again to have a baby that my girls are almost 1…where did this year go? even the thought of taking them out of their infant carriers is killing me. i just think no baby should be born 13 weeks early its not normal and i am not okay with it….maybe i should try therapy as well! we should do dinner and chat about this!
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February 2nd, 2010 at 11:31 pm
Kerry, since I was never able to have children I cannot relate exactly to what you shared (and since I never wanted any, I can’t really relate to that, either). What I can relate to is this: sharing these feelings is hard, and I applaud you for taking that step. Seeing a therapist is hard, and I give you a standing ovation for doing that (been down that road myself).
As for the “coulda/shoulda/woulda” feelings…well, I liken it to what happened to me after my cancer surgery and after my brother’s suicide, and from this standpoint I think I can relate somewhat. The complications from my cancer surgery traumatized me to the point that I believe I had PTSD for a least a couple of years afterwards, plus the fact that it wasn’t the smooth sailing that everyone said it would be. What happened the week after my surgery would come back in my dreams (nightmares!) and I’d wake up hyperventilating and sweating. Talking to others about it helped, and mostly it just took time. The first anniversary after the “event” was hard and it felt like my body was reliving it, but I got through it and it also got better with time. When I had to have surgery again two years later, I was in hysterics (or close to it) for about 3 weeks prior to. That surgery went smoothly, thank God!
As for my brother’s suicide…well, we will always have questions, like, did we do the right things, did we do something we shouldn’t have, did we miss something we should have done, and on and on. There is no way to know, yet it doesn’t stop the questions and the wondering. It’s the same for you. You will never know how things might have been different, but that doesn’t stop the questions and the wondering. Again, the first anniversary was very difficult and I found myself in the month before it reliving what was going on in my life at that point and wondering what my brother was thinking and doing in the days leading up to his death. I was a basket case at the first anniversary. After that is has slowly gotten easier, with ups and downs. I imagine your situation is very similar — different events, but very similar feelings, questions, grief (yes, grief for the things that you felt should have happened and didn’t). You are reliving everything that happened a year ago, much like I did with my brother’s death. Some people process this way. It is what it is.
It’s good that you see the ultimate blessings, and there will be more as you heal and move forward. I’m still working through the deaths of my brother and my father (who died in a murder/suicide 2 years after my brother). Even still, I’ve been able to reach out and support a few people experiencing similar things because I’ve been there. I’m also starting to move forward. You are doing the same with the NICU support group — you’re still processing your feelings, and it hasn’t stopped you from reaching out to others. I wouldn’t be able to truly understand what a suicide or murder/suicide survivor has gone through if I hadn’t experienced it myself. You wouldn’t understand what other IF/NICU parents are going through if you hadn’t experienced it yourself. I wish neither of us had gone through these things, yet they happened. It’s what we do with them that matters. I think we’re both doing the best we can, and that is what matters in the long run. You will get to the point where you move on from here; you’re not there yet. Everyone gets to that point in their own time. You don’t always get over it, but you get through it.
You’re going to be okay, Kerry. Take care of yourself, and take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Big hugs to you!!!!!!
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February 3rd, 2010 at 8:45 am
I can relate to almost everything you mentioned except the NICU experience, just based on our first pregnancy/loss. I also can’t stand when people get so dramatic about not having the birth they wanted, when they get to take home a live, full term baby. I abhor people complaining about being uncomfortable in later weeks. And the supply stuff – I actually stopped going on certain boards because I was so sick of reading about women concerned about supply and asking about herbal supplements when they pumped literally 5-10 times what I pumped.
No real words of wisdom, other than empathy and that I hope writing this out helped. It’s normal to feel resentment after your experience, I think. (((HUGS)))
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February 3rd, 2010 at 7:09 pm
Hey Kerry. I hope that your appointment went well. When I read your post, it reminded me of a girl that I went to college with. She had a baby and they learned after he was born that he had a rare genetic disorder. She started a blog and posted the poem below on it. You may have read it already. I thought that it kind of related to you dealing with your difficulties getting pregnant and having Max and Wes so early, etc. Take care buddy!
Welcome to Holland, by Emily Perl Kingsley
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, Michelangelo’s David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later the plane lands and the stewardess comes on and says, “Welcome to Holland.” “HOLLAND?” you say. “What do you mean Holland? I was signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy! All of my life I have dreamed of going to Italy!” But there has been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.
So now you must go out and buy a new guidebook. And you must now learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would otherwise never have met. It’s just a different place. It is slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you have been here awhile and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, and Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.” The pain of that will never, ever go away because the loss of that dream is very significant. But if you spend your whole life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the special and very lovely things about Holland.
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February 11th, 2010 at 7:26 pm
I love you and am so proud of the wonderful Mom you are sweet girl!
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