our stork was lost, but we found him!!!!…
infertility + 4 rounds of artificial insemination + in-vitro fertilization FINALLY = TWIN BOYS!!!!
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What a day (another long one)!
Published by Kerry | Filed under Uncategorized
Can you imagine how surreal it is to walk into your local Starbucks and see the two little boys you love more than anything in this whole entire world on the FRONT COVER of the Sunday New York Times???? So crazy. Max and Wes (and Jeff and I) were local celebrities today, and it felt pretty cool to finally have our story out there…well not just out there, but really out there!
That said, I have to say that I was just a tad bit disappointed with a few things regarding the article and the video. Between implications and inaccuracies, it was a little frustrating having a different “twist” on the article than we were originally told. I’m not going to share all of my disappointment with you all, because I’m sure a lot of you don’t really care to know, but I will mention a few things. And before the grammar/spelling/sentence construction police come after me, I realize I am the Queen of Run-on Sentences. I need help. Serious help.
We were under the impression that the article would showcase our IVF journey, and somehow tie in our blog (since that’s how the NYT reporter found us in the first place). While it sort of talked about in-vitro fertilization and our struggle to have our own child, it didn’t really go into a lot of detail like I had hoped it would. A few weeks ago, I was told that the story was changing shape, and would focus more on the prematurity aspect of multiple births, and another couple who did IVF and got pregnant with twins would be featured as well (who didn’t have as positive of an outcome as we did). We were totally fine with that, as so much of the general population has NO IDEA what it “means” to have and care for babies/infants who were born prematurely.
When I really sat down and read the article, I realized that (in a roundabout way) it was kind of “dissing” those of us who choose to transfer two embryos, as opposed to just one. One reason this is frowned upon by some is because of the already-rising cost of healthcare (I promise I won’t get too political here). That’s where I started to get a little annoyed or disappointed, or what have you. Especially after I started reading some of the comments (BAD IDEA) on the online edition. Some people were twisting words and taking statements from the video and article out of context, while others were telling us how selfish we were to want to have biological children when there are “millions of orphans and foster children in this world”.
Now, I realize that probably 90% of those negative, hurtful comments were made simply because the author is either (a) close-minded, (b) uneducated, or (c) just some loser that likes to rile people up on a controversial topic. This is exactly why I’m not going to let these people rain on my parade – BUT - I would like to address several of the things that were written in those comments.
- The “why don’t you just adopt” comment is soooooooo last year. For reals. The people who say this get a “D-” for originality. “Just adopting” isn’t like going into a store and picking out a new pair of boots, it is an EXTREMELY heart-wrenching, long, expensive, emotional journey that may or may not end up in you bringing home a baby (or two). Yes, that’s right people – ADOPTION is NOT GUARANTEED. I have several close personal friends that will attest to this. And it’s not cheap, either – most adoption journeys end up costing just as much, or more than a single round of IVF.
- Another thing about adoption – it isn’t for everyone. If those of us who struggle with infertility and are unable to have our own children “the old-fashioned way” should be expected to adopt because there are ”millions of orphaned children worldwide who need good homes”, then why the hell shouldn’t fertile couples all be expected to adopt at least one child to help with this overwhelming overpopulation of children who need homes?!?!?!?!? I mean seriously, people – talk about a double standard that makes absolutely NO SENSE. I’m not going to argue – wanting a biological child *is* a selfish desire, but it’s a selfish desire that a VERY large percent of the population shares. Think about that next time you call someone “selfish” for wanting that very primal, simple desire to see themselves in their child(ren’s) eyes.
- As far as people “like us” being responsible for the rise in healthcare (I’m talking about the boys’ $1.3 million NICU stay)? Do your research people!!!! Look at other things like obesity, smokers, alcoholics, athletes, people who ride motorcycles without helmets, etc – I could go on and on. What about those who got pregnant with spontaneous twins (or triplets…or more)? Are they supposed to reduce to one baby as to cut back on their chances of having a baby who won’t spend time in the NICU to save us all on healthcare? Ask yourself this – if this were your child (or mother or sister or brother or whoever), would you want to make sure that they were well taken care of if something unexpected were to happen to them and they needed long-term medical care? Yeah, I thought so.
- We would have been all for a single embryo transfer, as we were aware and educated of the risks concerning carrying two babies – BUT – insurance didn’t cover a full round of IVF, and I wasn’t about to spend another $25K (which is a little under HALF of what I make in a year) on something not working – again. Transferring two embryos was what we felt was our best shot at bringing home one live baby. The easy solution, in my opinion, would be to cover such procedures (I’m not saying unlimited coverage, but maybe a few rounds of IUI and one round of IVF would have been nice), make single embryo transfers mandatory, and viola! In our situation, if this was the way the healthcare system worked, my insurance would have paid out around $25-30K for fertility treatments, as opposed to over $1.3 million. Wouldn’t this be a better way?
- For those of you who say that fertility treatments are “optional” and “unnecessary”, and shouldn’t be covered by insurance, then my thoughts are that neither should several other “optional” conditions. For instance, smokers shouldn’t get treatments for lung cancer or emphysema covered (or alcoholics with liver cancer, or athletes with concussions or spinal cord injuries), because it’s “optional” and “unnecessary” to smoke/drink/play sports. Anyone over their target BMI (this includes me here, so I’m not pointing fingers) should be denied coverage when something happens as a result of their weight being a little over what it should be. Sounds a little over-the-top, doesn’t it?
Eeek, I’ve already spent waaaaay too much time and energy on something I only wanted to address briefly. The point was supposed to be this -
We were infertile. We wanted a biological child. We got two through the miracle of science. They were born early. They spent two months in the hospital. We brought them home. They are now healthy and happy and very well loved and cared for (by many who’ve never even met them yet) almost eight month olds. And they were our only shot at having the family (and the biological children) we so desperately wanted. They’re here. Healthy. Happy. Loved. Little miracles.
Shouldn’t that be all that matters??? (p.s. – This question is for the douchebag who commented that Max and Wes should have never been conceived or born.)
Kerry
32 Responses to “What a day (another long one)!”
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October 11th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Kerry – I love you guys with all my heart. I was so saddened by the direction the article took. I did think the video was better. But, the misdirection of things was apparent in the flakiness of the data. Too many things were glossed over. In 4 months of research and work on the article, I really expected much, much better.
And, I was confused as to how your decision to TRANSFER (not implant, morons) two embryos was in ANY way related to an IUI with a potential for high-order multiples in a couple who didn’t believe in SR.
Not that it was in any way necessary, but I think this post is perfect and addresses those morons perfectly!
And I’m grateful that you chose to transfer 2. Otherwise, how will Sydney get by without the option to choose between the boys??? (Yes, we know she’s already got her heart set on Max, but things happen.)
Love you guys!!
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October 11th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
I didn’t read all the comments posted about the article and I’m so sorry that people were being so harsh to you guys.
You have two adorable, perfect, little boys and that is all that matters!
{{HUGS}}
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October 11th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
amen, sister! stay away from the comments. haters are sad, angry, ugly people. or, as i called them in my blog post about this, “ignorant and dickheaded.” you were blessed with two amazing babies. they are well loved, indeed. they are healthy, and happy, and thriving in spite of their early entrance into the world. it angers me that infertility is so misunderstood; i hope your story helps shine a light on the struggle that so many MILLIONS of couples face.
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October 12th, 2009 at 3:09 am
Hi,
I’ve been following your blog a while now but I will admit I’m a bit more of a lurker than a commenter usually
What you had to say on adoption really sprung out at me as I was having a discussion about adoption the other day with somu mummy friends of mine. None of us had trouble conceiving our children and they were talking about starting trying for their next. I put it out there that actually I didn’t want to try for another, I quite wanted to look in to fostering or possibly adopotion. The look of absolute shock and horror on their faces was unbelievable. That I wouldn’t want a second biological child was “crazy”. So I kinda got the opposite of what those people said to you – you can’t win huh??
And you’re totally right why should you “just adopt”, there’s nothinbg remotely wrong with wanting your own biological child and they shouldn’t even attempt to make you believe otherwise.
Also wanted to say how much I have enjoyed following your blog and watching the boys grow, they are so cute
Debbie
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October 12th, 2009 at 5:28 am
You don’t know me – I don’t know you. (although, I have commented before)
I have followed your blog for some time.
Anway, I applaud you. Your story is amazing. Your boys are amazing (not to mention adorable)
At the end of the day you were on the cover of the New York Times!!
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October 12th, 2009 at 5:31 am
Ditto 100% every single thing you said. It irks me to no end that only infertile people are “selfish” for not choosing to adopt. I’m sure that’s the first thing that comes out of someone’s mouth about a regular pregnancy announcement, right? Also ITA about insurance covering infertility treatments. Of COURSE you put back 2! I would have done the same thing in your situation. If my FETs were covered, I’d be happy to put back 1. But they’re not. So I won’t!
I was totally irritated that they were contrasting you guys with that Mormon couple too. IMO, doing an IUI with 6 follies (or even 5 and a hidden one) on a couple that’s not committed to selective reduction is irresponsible.
I’m glad that at the end of the day you guys came home with two beautiful babies.
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October 12th, 2009 at 6:24 am
I just started commenting the other day. I read the article and while I thought it had some good points of the risk of prematurity, I was so upset how it deals with the IVF journey.
We have severe MF and our 8 month old son and baby #2 were both conceived using IVF/ICSI.
My blood boiled last night when I was reading some of the horrible, horrible comments. Too bad I realized the comments were closed as I posted my 1500 word rant lol…
Your boys are a beautiful gift. IVF gave us a chance at a dream and thank God for that.
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October 12th, 2009 at 6:25 am
What a great response! You guys are an AMAZING family and Max and Wes are a freaking blessing! Hudson & Miles (my fertility treatment, premature twins) can’t wait to grow up with M & W!
Many of the commenters on the NYT page were unfortunatly not educated enough to deserve to comment. Most of the negative comments were downright laughable because they were so misinformed.
Love you guys and know that everyone should be so lucky to have perfect, healthy, happy babies!
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October 12th, 2009 at 7:21 am
It was great to see you all in the paper, but I had to stop reading the comments online. I started to, but then found myself getting so angry at what idiots who have never been through it were saying. I’m so sorry that you had to read any of that. You have been through way too much for someone to rain on your parade! Congrats again on your little miracles they were worth the wait I’m sure
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October 12th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Kerry,
I don’t know you – but I read the article in the NYT yesterday at work. Since then I have been very upset, not only for the way you and your family were portrayed, but for myself as well. My husband and I have MFI. The only way we’re going to get pregnant is through IVF, and the reporter (and subsequent awful comments, of which I read about 11 before closing the page) that wrote that article made me feel like I’m one of the worst people in the world for the decisions we’ve made.
This morning, I was emailing with a friend of mine, who knows you from a Colorado online message board and she sent me to your blog.
Your family is beautiful. Bless you for everything you’ve been through. I hope our journey is as successful as yours.
Sincerely,
Dandelion Bud.
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October 12th, 2009 at 9:11 am
you couldn’t have said it better!!!! i agree with you i thought it focused more on their opinions or whatever on transfering one embryo versus more but you know what like other people said you have your 2 little miracles and they are healthy and very happy from what i can tell through pictures
so thats all that matters! you do bring up a very good poing though, my girls were conceived naturally and were very much a shock to find out it was 2 at 13 weeks, and because of the very very rare type of twin they were should i have been told to reduce? because of the type they were the doctor would only let me go to 32 weeks at the longest, so regardless i would of had babies in the NICU no matter what! i guess no one knows what its like to see your babies in the NICU like people who have gone through it themselves!
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October 12th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Good points! Your boys are worth it and in the same situation, I would’ve done the EXACT SAME THING!
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October 12th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Kerry, I read the comments in the NYT and some were thoughtful posts and did bring up topics that could be discussed by intelligent people. Then, there were the “other posts”. They got me pretty fired up and I was in the process of writing a response. Then, I remembered something your grandpa S. told me: “Don’t wrestle with pigs. They enjoy it and you’ll end up smelling like pig ****.”
Your post above was very well written and pretty well corresponds with what I might have said (but with fewer expletives and derogatory comments.) I wouldn’t have wanted to embarrass you. The time for that (Jr and Sr high) has passed, right?
I’m sorry the article wasn’t what you expected but newspapers and TV media are funny that way and I guess we shouldn’t be surprised.
Anyway, none of that matters. You can’t change people’s minds. You ended up with two fine boys and that’s what’s important. Put the article behind you and enjoy the rest of your life.
Love, Dad
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October 12th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Kerry,
You. are. awesome.
Your responses to the idiots who responded to the article with idiotic and ignorant comments are spot-on. Especially your point about why aren’t fertile people encouraged to adopt if adoption is what all infertile people “need” to do…
My initial reaction on my blog was one of anger, but that later changed as I realized the blessing of my son and the child I still hope for one day are more important than a stranger’s thoughts on a screen.
Best wishes to you and your beautiful family,
C
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October 12th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Kerry,
You have two beautiful sons who are miracle babies. Ignore the comments from the NYT’s article. I was just reading some of them and couldn’t believe some of the ignorance. My husband and I have a 3 month old IVF daughter. We live in Wisconsin and not a penny was covered by our insurance. Some people think none of this should be covered. I disagree. Why are things like gastric bypass covered for people who could exercise? Adoption is not so easy as some of these people think.
Anyways, enjoy your babies and don’t let the ignorance get to you. You’ve done nothing wrong!
Best wishes!
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October 12th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
I’m sorry the article didn’t turn out as you expected…maybe I’m weird though, but I didn’t read it as being all that negative or critical of people that do IVF and transfer 2, rather I thought it was critical of the entire system that creates such a lack of incentive to transfer 1 because of lack of coverage. If anything, I thought the whole series/video was just a great argument for why IVF should be covered. Maybe I’m just too naive and look for the best in things.
Either way, I think there is value in showing the downside of multiples since so much of the media just glamorizes the mega-families. I acknowledge though, as I did on the boards where the article was discussed, that my POV is very different since we are one of the unfortunate families that lost our children for no reason other than because there was more than one of them and it’s just not what my body was made to do. I’m lucky enough to have IVF coverage so we could do a single embryo the next time, and would love if articles like this convinced others with coverage to do the same and possibly prevent other losses.
Either way though, I think you did a wonderful thing opening up yourself and your family for this, and I think anyone who makes the type of comments you highlighted (I won’t even try to read them) is an idiot and your arguments are spot on. Wes and Max are truly treasures and we all adore them, and screw anyone who doesn’t agree with how they got here or the decisions you made to make that possible.
(((HUGS)))
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October 12th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Sending a big ol F.U. to the idiot commenters as well. They rained on my parade a bit too because I was sooo excited for you guys.
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October 12th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
I just wanted to say how amazingly proud we are of the amazing parents you are, and everyone who knows you knows this as well. I am so sorry that people had to let their negative comments regarding two of the cutest, sweetest little boys I have ever met. You both stay strong and try not to let these people bring you down. You have a HUGE circle of friends and family that love you and support you in everything that you do. Your journey has been a tough one, and you are at the best part now. This is the part where you get to enjoy your two boys forever….we love you.
Tiff and Rich
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October 12th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
I was thinking of you guys as I read through the comments and wanting to kick a whole lot of people in the teeth. You and Jeff are two of the most givng, UNselfish, deserving, best parents I know. Period. Anyone who has spent even 3 minutes with you knows that. And that’s all that matters.
(((hugs))) to you both… and BOO for you not making it to CC tonight! We’ll miss you.
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October 12th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
I for one am a better person for knowing you and your boys and understanding your decision. Don’t let those people bring you down. The majority likes to feed on the negative. Who cares what they think?? All that matters are your devastatingly handsome boys that Ivy will have a very tough time choosing between….
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October 12th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Here from Busted’s blog. I read the NYT article & thought it was a good read (& your boys are adorable!), but I’m sorry it didn’t turn out quite the way you thought it would. As for the comments — I either don’t read them, or make sure I have a stiff drink before I do. ; ) Sadly, I’ve come to expect some pretty ignorant stuff from people who clearly don’t have a clue, & they very rarely prove me wrong.
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October 12th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
hi, I found you through the NYT piece. congratulations on your beautiful sons.
I was also disappointed in the direction of the NYT article, and I was appalled but not surprised by the ugliness and ignorance in the comments (I did not get past page 1). I thought your response here was right on. bravo.
as someone who did 4 IUIs, an IVF and FET that were not covered by insurance and failed, it is astounding to me that ANYONE feels that it is appropriate to judge how someone else builds their family. we’re not talking octoplets here — we’re talking about the hope of a healthy baby. just like the hope that the majority of others in the world share.
think about what most people spend on a CAR. fertility treatment pales in comparison. and the desire for a child is far more primal and personal than the decision about what kind of car to drive. and yet do we openly criticize NYT readers driving 60-80k cars? no. perhaps we should.
finally, as a new mother through adoption, I take particular exception with the commenters urging selfish infertiles to “just adopt” some of those waiting children in need of homes. there are so many things wrong with that I don’t even know where to begin.
I wonder how many commenters themselves adopted special needs foster children, or any child for that matter, rather than pursuing a biological child.
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October 12th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
I agree with yiur dad Kerry. Tell those dumb asses where to shove it! I haven’t seen the article yet, but it was your choices and no one else gets a vote. AMEN!
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October 13th, 2009 at 8:46 am
**applause** I read the article online and I’m so glad I didn’t continue down to read the comments. It amazes me, with online papers with “comments” available, what idiots will say with no regard for the REAL PEOPLE behind the story. I hope you truly can focus on the positive and ignore all the negative comments. I have to admit, I was rather taken aback at the direction the article took; I wondered if they did a switch on you, because I couldn’t imagine you guys being willing to be a part of what the final outcome was. But I applaud all that you have done and congratulate you on your two little miracle-babies (who are quickly becoming no longer babies!). Looking forward to having you back on the Spark CO Women team more often.
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October 13th, 2009 at 10:17 am
I’ve been following your story since your transfer last year and have not commented yet, but feel moved to tell you that you are incredibly strong and your boys are PERFECT in every way. I’m so glad you have addressed some of the hateful, ignorant comments posted on the NY Times article…and I’m sorry to see that the article took such a nasty turn before it was written…there seems to be an incredible need for some serious education on IF and the fact that you cannot paint everyone who goes through it with the “Octomom” paintbrush. Best wishes and I’m sure you know you don’t need to defend your decisions to anyone…
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October 13th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Very well said. I completely agree. They are a miracle! I can’t wait to meet them.
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October 13th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I love your response here & can’t wait to watch the news in just a few mintues!!
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October 13th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Very well said Kerry! I read a few pages of comments and was very upset with some of the comments. It’s sad how the media can start a story and then twist it so much. I hate how people compare adoption and IVF, we’re pursuing adoption but haven’t ruled out IVF for the futre and people still “suggest” which is better vs the other. Maybe one day people will realize that comparing the two really is not that helpful and that there is a lot of thought/emotions that go behind either decision.
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October 13th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
I’ve restrained myself from reading any of the comments on The Times website after you warned me, but think that the points you made above are incredibly well put and obviously well thought out. Unfortunately (and cleary), not all people put that much thought into their comments, or they are simply too uneducated, close-minded or miserable with their own lives to care about how ignorant or just plain mean-spirited they sound.
On a happier note, I am SO very proud of you and Jeff for putting yourselves and your story out there. I know that by doing so you have touched many lives of people who are going through similiar struggles, and the people who love them.
And on the happiest note – you are the parents of two ADORABLE little miracles who are happy, and healthy, and VERY loved by everyone around them (as are you and Jeff). Now enjoy them – you deserve it!!
Hugs and kisses to you all!
PS – I just booked a plane ticket so I could deliver some hugs personally
Love you tons!!
sis
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October 13th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Hey Kerry,
We’ve said since the chat boards, ‘we wouldn’t wish the infertility journey on our worst enemies’. That in itself should tell people just how painful and long this journey is/was. Heaven help any one of those people should they be faced with infertility. The better side of this, your story speaks to 1 in 4 women who share this journey of infertility with you. Your story is giving hope…beyond how the story was written or what direction it took, I promise you there are women out there who are saying ‘it worked for them’. Bravo!
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October 14th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
I couldn’t even bring myself to read past the first few comments. Ugh. In case you were interested, several other bloggers on IF have been writing about this series of articles and the awful reaction too. http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/ and http://julia.typepad.com/ have some great rebuttals. People are awful. I’m so sorry the awfulness has touched your lives. Your boys are amazing and wonderful and you guys are incredible parents.
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October 18th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
So sorry it wasn’t what you expected. I read some of the comments thinking they were the typical closed minded BS. Don’t let it get you down. Your boys are beautiful.
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