Stick a fork in me

February 3, 2010 (6 days ago) at 9:44 pm

Jeff and I were getting the boys’ bottles ready tonight, and Wes was getting a little antsy.  Any time he sees a bottle, he just goes berserk – which should make for a good time when we cut them off from bottles (very soon).  But anyway, I was holding him in the kitchen, and he just started whining a little bit.  I playfully started whining back, and Wes just looked up at me, with those clear blue eyes, and started babbling a bunch of nonsense.  Those babbles then turned into, “ma ma ma ma ma”, and all of a sudden my heart was mush.

Just wait.

Jeff quickly turned around, and we just stared at each other in awe.  Just then, Wes looked towards Jeff and said, “da da da da da daaa”.

I’m done.

********

The appointment went well yesterday.  No big surprise that the psychotherapist thinks that I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), which in my not-so-humble opinion, is “the new black”, if you will.  But, I do believe that it’s a real disorder, and I do believe that I can overcome it.  The therapist talked about trying a newer psychotherapy technique called EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), and I’m intrigued.  I have my first EMDR session next Wednesday, so keep your fingers crossed.

********

And because I promised…

Sony 900 MHz BabyCall Nursery Monitor with Receivers

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Spouting off (VERY long)

February 1, 2010 (2 weeks ago) at 10:55 pm

WARNING - deep thoughts/rants/ramblings ahead

For about the past month and a half, I have been doing something I’m totally not used to doing.  I’ve been internalizing some pretty intense feelings regarding Max and Wes.  Not so much how I feel about them as our children, as individuals, as our little miracles…as our dreams come true – I don’t have a hard time expressing or sharing those kinds of feelings with anyone.  It’s more about the negative or depressing feelings I have with regards to the way we got pregnant with them, how miserable my pregnancy was, the plethora of emotion I have with regards to their early arrival and time spent in the NICU, and how I feel about their upcoming first birthday.  I feel like a teapot that’s been sitting on the stove top for hours…just waiting to release.  I’m sure it’s because of the time of year…remembering where we were at this time last year, etc – only because several of my fellow preemie mom friends have told me that they’ve felt similarly.

Just typing this out is really, really hard for me, so bear with me.

(My heart is beating faster, I’m having to focus on my breathing, and my hands are shaking)

First of all, let me reiterate the fact (for all of the men and women out there who are still struggling with infertility, because I do remember how it feels – I really do) that Jeff and I are so incredibly thankful and lucky that we were blessed with two amazing, beautiful baby boys.  Max and Wes have changed our lives in a way I never thought possible, and I will be forever grateful for that.

That said, this is hard.  And by “this”, I mean everything…and I mean nothing.  Getting pregnant was a bitch.  Staying pregnant was even harder.  The time we spent away from our precious babies when they were in the hospital was the ultimate test of a marriage…we were basically on auto-pilot for that entire 53 days.  And now, being the parents of these amazing little ones – well – “this” just isn’t easy.  Now, I don’t know if it’s because we struggled to conceive, because my pregnancy was plagued with issues, or because the boys were born early, but looking back almost a year after our precious little miracles came into this world, I just don’t feel like I think I should.  I feel like I’m being ungrateful for what I have – an amazing, loving, supportive, handsome, and understanding husband, and two terrific little boys.  And Rex.  We can’t forget about Rex.  I feel like I’m being ungrateful because I’m focusing too much on what “could have been”.

For the past few weeks I’ve constantly been having nightmares or (daymares) about what couldhave happened.  I am not stupid – I know I shouldn’t think this way – but I do sometimes, and I can’t help it.  I have “flashbacks”, if you will, about being wheeled into the OR (the first operating room I had ever been inside), by myself, scared out of my mind that I was about to die.  Or that our little boys weren’t going to make it.  I knew that the chances of two 24 weekers (that were estimated at weighing less than a pound each at the time) surviving was slim – and one wrong stitch during my cerclage could have resulted in one or both of my babies being born 3 months early, and possibly not making it.  Then I think about how different our lives would be, and then I get sad.

I’ve also had a lot of flashbacks of the day Max and Wes were born.  I was so naive, and soooo cocky.  I really did not think I was going to have our babies 10 weeks early – after all, I was following the perinatologist’s orders word for word.  No matter how joyful or special the birth of a child (or children) should be, the birth of a premature child (or children) just isn’t – it’s so.damn.scary.  So many people silently gasp when I tell them that my birth experience was traumatic, as if I’m not allowed to feel that way because we were ultimately given what we wanted so badly – two live babies.  The truth of the matter is that it wasn’t what I had always imagined it to be, and every single day I mourn the fact that I didn’t have a ”normal” birth experience, that I spent almost my entire maternity leave sitting (alone) in the NICU, and that I didn’t have that time to bond with Max and Wes immediately after (or even weeks after) their birth.

Recently, I’ve had to distance myself from several people (or groups of people), both in my everyday life and online because I just got so damn sick of women complaining about their birth experiences being less-than-ideal.  I mean c’mon – is it really that big of a deal to not have time to put on makeup and fix your hair before your child is born?  Is it going to scar you for life that you didn’t get the vaginal delivery you wished for with your full-term baby?  When you compare the previous scenarios to our situation, it almost seems comical that women can really be that upset about a c-section when they were hoping for a med-free delivery.  But then I guess when you compare our situation with other outcomes where a live birth wasn’t the end result, or where the child was born with a serious health problem, and so on and so forth - it seems silly that I’m writing about this at all.

Then there’s the whole breastfeeding thing.  GRRRRR.  Why anyone assumes that it’s “easy” and/or “natural” to breastfeed can stick it where the sun doesn’t shine as far as I’m concerned.  (Still) Feeling like I didn’t try hard enough, or feeling like a failure because I couldn’t give our boys “what’s best for them” just plain sucks.  And reading blogs or hearing my RL friends complain that their supply is low (when they are pumping MASS amounts…comparatively speaking of course…every day), or that they “can’t find the time” to pump or nurse just makes me even more irate.  It was something that I struggled with, and something I still struggle with.  Like maybe if I could have produced more milk, our boys wouldn’t have spent so much time in the NICU, or maybe we wouldn’t have been (or wouldn’t be) as worried about money (because we wouldn’t be buying as much formula).  I don’t know.  All I can say is that for all of you mothers out there who are able to breastfeed – you just do not realize how incredibly lucky you are.

Same goes for those of you who go full-term in your pregnancies.  I honestly believe that a lot of women take it for granted that they are able to carry a child to term, and that just pisses me off.  I’m sure I would have been massively uncomfortable had I made it to 35-36 weeks, and I’m certain I would have complained about that, but the fact is that I never got to experience (much of) the third trimester of my pregnancy.  Knowing what I know now, I would have done just about anything for just one more week of being pregnant.  I think a lot of preemie moms feel similarly, and understand my desire to shake a dose of reality into that extremely pregnant woman at Target, waddling back and forth as if the simple task of running an errand is just “too much”.  Going full-term in a pregnancy is just something that is “supposed” to happen (kind of like getting pregnant without medical intervention is “supposed” to happen), and the fact that my body didn’t do what it was “supposed” to do still upsets me to this day.

I don’t expect most of you to understand all of this…I really only shared my feelings here because in a way it’s a little therapeutic to write them all out.  I also think I’ve been struggling a little more in the last week because I learned last Sunday that someone who I am very close to is going through some very serious marital issues.  Issues that have made me question nearly everything in my life, including my marriage – which totally isn’t fair to Jeff, as he has done nothing to warrant me feeling this way.  I finally sucked it up last week and made an appointment with a psychotherapist last week, and I’m seeing her for the first time this afternoon.  I’m really hoping that talking about all of these feelings with a professional will get me to just snap out of this funk I’m in and focus on the positive in life, as opposed to things that were/are beyond my control.  Does that make sense?

Thanks for listening.  I promise to get some photos of M&W up here in the next day, or two.  =)

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Wordless Wednesday

January 27, 2010 (2 weeks ago) at 10:17 pm

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The Three Musketeers

January 24, 2010 (3 weeks ago) at 7:59 pm

Jeff, Max, Wes, Rex, and I enjoyed some company this afternoon when Molly and Ivy came over for a play date.  Well, I should clarify – Max, Wes, and Ivy had a play date (with occasional run-by from Rexy), and Jeff, Molly, and I had brunch (with MIMOSAS – YUM).  It was an emotional weekend for me (long story), so it was really nice to unwind with a good friend and get a little buzz while doing so!

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“Box”car Racing

January 21, 2010 (3 weeks ago) at 10:37 am

Sony 900 MHz BabyCall Nursery Monitor with Receivers

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Team Weemmax Is Back Again!!!

January 20, 2010 (3 weeks ago) at 11:15 am

Hello everyone, it’s that time of year again!  The 2010 March for Babies is only 94 days away.  Last year, we had an amazing run of donations totaling over $1135!!  We would love to break that mark this year, but of course any amount helps.  Our good friend, Ivory, whose daughter, Emma, was born at 29 weeks, walked with Team Amazing Emma in 2008, and Team Weemmax in 2009.  She was kind and generous enough to organize a team in honor of all three of our little miracles for last year’s March for Babies, so this year we decided to continue the tradition.

As per usual, we don’t want anyone to feel obligated to donate – but if you would like to virtually “march alongside” Team Weemmax, please use the March for Babies widget in the sidebar.  For every dollar we raise, the March of Dimes donates 77 cents to this very worthy cause.  If you are in the Denver metro area and would like to physically march alongside our Team, please use the Contact Us tab on the toolbar, and we’ll make it happen.  The walk takes place this year on April 24^th (two days before the boys’ due date, and two months after their first birthday), at Civic Center Park.

Hopefully the weather holds up this year so that we can actually do the walk.  Last year is was cold and rainy, and we felt it was best to keep the boys sheltered since they had just been discharged from the NICU.

Emma, Max, and Wes, and their families thank you so much for your support!!!

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